Older AND Wiser

I hope.

Recently, I was chatting with a friend who's celebrating her 40th birthday this year. WhooHoo!! We were saying how turning 40 brings some changes in your attitude and point of view.

That conversation got me to thinking about what I've learned over my lifetime. More precisely, whether I've acquired any wisdom. We know a lot of stuff, but do we let the knowing dictate our behavior? To me, when you let the knowing affect your behavior, that's wisdom.

Here's some of the wisdom I've acquired:

Sometimes, it's ok to say absolutely nothing. Rarely, will you have to apologize, backpedal, or eat crow for saying nothing. An added benefit is that silence will ocassionally allow you to prevail. While attending Community College, I petitioned an instructor to change my grade from a 'B' to an 'A'. I left her a brief voicemail explaining why I thought the change was warranted. I don't recall exactly what I said when she returned my call, but I probably wasn't very nice. . .blah. . .blah. . .blah. When I finally allowed her to speak, she said she had already decided to make the change based on my initial phone call, but that my additional comments were unwarranted and disconcerting.

I don't always get to know "Why?". When you're 20, you need to have things resolved tidily. When you're 40, you're at peace with the not knowing; sometimes, you're not even interested in the "Why?". You move on. You get over it.

High School isn't important. About 20 years ago, an acquantenance's 14-year old son killed himself. The aftermath was so traumatic, the mother developed a stutter. Sadly, this kid didn't get to realize that what goes on in high school -- being popular, athletic, cool, etc. -- doesn't mean sh**!! Most of us have forgotten about it by the time we graduate from college. For the vast majority of us, high school experiences are so forgettable and have little bearing on the person we ultimately become.

It's a good thing Life isn't fair. If life were fair, we'd all get everything we deserved, every single time. Knowing what I know, just the thought of that is terrifying. I am so relieved and grateful Life cuts me some slack.

Loving another adult unconditionally is unnatural (and stupid!). If you're older than 5, you've got to earn (my) love! Develop standards for the way people treat you and impose them. Knowing that love can be lost motivates me to demonstrate that I am worthy (and I am) to have it.

Treat everyone respectfully; be nice. These go hand-in-hand. Don't be nicer to the President (of the company) than you are to the janitor. While living in St. Louis, I used to wave across the cul de sac to one of my neighbors (an older woman whom I hadn't met and hadn't seen up close). On my first visit to a new hair salon, the receptionist (an older woman) said there was a mix-up with my appointment and the stylist couldn't see me. I was steeming -- I'd left work early, fought traffic, and drove past my house to get here -- but I didn't say anything, kept a calm demeanor, and resisted the urge to 'give that receptionist a piece of my mind'. She asked me to have a seat and sent over another stylist. The other stylist very calmly explained the reason for the mix-up, apologized, and asked if I would mind if she did my hair. I nodded sympathetically and consented. Turns out, the receptionist was the neighbor to whom I waved across the cul de sac; she made the connection when I gave them my contact info. She introduced us to her family and let Christian stay at her home when I worked late. The stylist was the salon owner; she and her husband invited us to their church and became a great resource in helping us settle into our new city. NOTE: While not everyone deserves your respect, they do deserve to be treated respectfully.

Hardwork really is its own reward. Your work is a representation of you. Don't be associated with crap! One of the best compliments my husband ever gave me (shortly before we married) was that I was one of the most hardworking people he knew.

Don't back a person into a corner; always leave the opportunity for a graceful exit. About 15 years ago, I had a disagreement with a co-worker; we were actually yelling at each other in the office. We barely spoke to each other for the remainder of my employment (I was there another 2-3 years). As I prepared to leave, she said, "You know, you were right that time we had that big disagreement. But, I was so worked up and threatened, I couldn't back down and tell you that."

In relationships, you will have to do some things you don't want to do. And since no one wants to hear your complaining, act like you're having a good time! Adults do what they need to do, not just what they want to do. If the relationship -- with your child, sibling, parent, neighbor, spouse, co-worker, etc. -- is important to you, do what you need to do to nuture it. The payoff is huge!

I'll leave you with this scripture from Proverbs about wisdom:

3:18 She is like a tree of life to those who obtain her, and everyone who grasps hold of her will be blessed.

Amen and thank God!