She Ain't Heavy, She's My Sister

Women NEED girlfriends.  Without them, we're like newborn babies who've never been touched:  we don't thrive. 

I've long thought women suffer from the Women's Disease.  Symptoms of the Women's Disease include:

1. Being incredibly hard on one's self.
2. Fixating on the tiniest of flaws; real or imagined.
3. Possessing an incredible sense of dissatisfaction with one's output.
4. Not saying, "No".
5. Not realizing our worth -- we are like precious rubies
6. Being smart, but making poor decisions

We need our girlfriends to tell us when we're suffering with a case of Women's Disease.  For obvious reasons, I'm not going to name names, but one particularly accomplished friend was beating herself up and ready to quit a program she was working on because she wasn't "contributing".  Incredulously, I asked, "Are you sh------ me?"  You've done. . . and. . .and. . ., and you think you're not contributing?

In her mind, because she hadn't done one thing -- she was not contributing.  Thankfully, I think she heard me and will stop fixating on that one, singular, omission and focus on all the many ways in which she has contributed to the program.

Another friend is in love (lust??) with a guy who has told her he's not interested in a stable relationship.  She's going to change him.  Why do otherwise intelligent women always think they're going to change him?

Women need to have a core group of women friends whom they can rely on to give them a dose of reality.  I'm not talking about casual acquaintances.  I'm talking about friends who know the truth and will take it to the grave with them.  Friends who will tell you the brutal truth in the most loving, supportive, and positive way.  Friends who will stay stone cold sober, while you drown your sorrows in a bottle of wine or shots of Tequila.  Friends who will, genuinely, rejoice when you excel. 

If you're a woman and you don't have at least one friend like that. . .I don't even know what to say.  One of the greatest blessings of my life is being loved by other woman.  I have been abundantly blessed that I have 3-4 core friends and I'm madly in love with each of them. 

Here are just a few ways in which we love one another:

We rejoice for one another.  When I call my best friend and tell her my good news, her joy is unselfish.  It is as if my wonderful event has happened to her.

We encourage one another.  A friend was having a bad day at work and called me because she knew I would raise her spirits.  I'm honored to do that for her.

We support one another.  Years ago, I did something really stupid. When I called a friend for help, she said, "Sandra, you are the most rational person I know.  If you think you made a mistake, I will help you fix it."  No questions asked.

We keep each other's secrets.  Enough said.   

We tell each other the truth.  Yes, your butt does look big in that!  And, I will not let you go out looking less than your very best.  I may make fun of you, but nobody else will.

We share wisdom with one another.  "Now, baby. . ." when one of my friends begins with those words, I know something good is coming.  I'm all too willing to learn from her life experiences, minimize my own suffering, and maximize my own happiness.

We forgive each other. 

The Bible warns us against not having friends in Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 -- Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!

Men I Would Refuse to Date

Along with the women in my service organization, I participated in a book club discussion of Mennonite in a Little Black Dress.  The facilitator recalled passages where the author and her sister make a list of men they would refuse to date: men named Dwayne or Bruce; men who have the high strange laugh of a distant loon; men who bring index cards with prewritten conversation starters on a first date.

 We all had a big laugh as we shared characteristics of men we would refuse to date.  Answers included:

Men who are too metrosexual.  There's only room for one diva in this relationship!
Men who smoke.  Funny how this was a non-issue at one time.
Men in poor health.  This, from an 80 year old member.

Men who stifled us. Thank you for letting me be myself!

Men who don't like to talk.  No commentary needed.

Being married, I haven't given much thought to men I would refuse to date, but our group got me to thinking.  Admitedly, some of these things are just plain shallow and might not be readily apparent, but once I found out -- beat it, scram, get outta here!

1. Men with too many bumper stickers on their car.  Really, by too many, I mean one.  The only exception might be one bumper sticker expressing patriotism.
2. Men who would eat the last of one of my favorite snacks.  Even if it's his favorite, too, he should ask me if I want the last one.
3. Men who wouldn't talk to me during sports.  Hey, I'm only watching 'cause I like you, so you'd better talk to me.
4. Men named Elliot.  I just don't like that name.  Sorry.
5. Men with ugly feet.  Ugly feet gross me out.
6. Men who say, "Pull my finger".  What are you, 10!
7. Men who can't cook or fix stuff.  All the men in my family can cook and are mechanically inclined.
8. Men with bad teeth/breath/skin.  I couldn't even think about kissing him.
9. Men with feminine hands.  I like a man with strong hands.  Callouses are ok, too.
10. Men who talk on their cell phone while they're with you.  I need it to be all about me.

 Hmm, I thought this would be a hard list to compile.  What men would you refuse to date?

I'm Not That Dog's Aunt!

That's what I keep saying, but they're not listening.  Now, I'm even being referred to as "TT".  Thanks, Steve!  (For those who don't know, "TT" is a term of endearment for one's aunt)

Ok, I will concede to being referred to as "Auntie" in reference to the dog -- she is just so darn adorable -- but, I draw the line at kissing her.  Lips that touch (all the stuff that dog lips touch) will never touch mine!

Like any good aunt, I dog-sat Fluffy while my friends went away. 

As an aside. . .I love that they go away, without the kid, and just enjoy each other's company. 

I never expected this little event to turn into a learning experience for me!  I love, love, love, dogs and Fluffy is especially lovable -- not a yapper, no "mistakes" inside the house, obedient, and companionable.  What's not to love about this dog?!

Her visit left me with more than just dog hair in the carpet (small price to pay).  I was surprised at the insight our visit left me with.  I would say I gained insight into dog behavior, but I think some things could apply to human behavior, as well.

Dogs have no regard for your privacy:  With most people, if you excuse yourself to go to the bathroom, they occupy themselves and politely ignore how long you've been gone.  Not dogs.  After she figured out I was prone to leave the room several times throughout the day, she stopped following me out immediately.  But, if I weren't back in some sufficient dog-time, she was on my trail.  If that trail happened to lead to the bathroom, so what.  She would just nudge the door open, walk in as if she owned the place, look me in the eye, and just stand there.  Excuse me! Funny thing is, by the end of her visit, she had trained me to expect her to appear during my "private time".

Dogs bring out the best in people:  Trying to be a responsible dog-sitter, I took Fluffy with me on my errands.  Everyplace we went, people stopped to inquire about her and talk with us.  Wait staff made sure she had water and pet her, strangers helped untangle her leash and gave me tips, and dog lovers wanted to discuss her breed.  This was such a departure from having the person seated nearby totally ignore everyone around them as they texted or talked on their cell phone.  Strangers being nice to each other, making casual conversation, and smiling and laughing.  What a concept!

Dogs know how to have a good time!:  We were invited to a party.  Technically, Fluffy was invited to a party -- I was just a hanger-on.  Our crazy friends have, not 1, not 2, but 3 Chi-wa-was (I'm not even going to try to spell that correctly).  After the dogs warmed up to each other, they were sharing toys, treats and just having a ball!  And, that little rascal, Charlie, was crushin' on Fluffy!  We think he was actually flexing his muscles!  Is it a little bit pathetic that a dog party ranks among one of the best parties I've been to in awhile?

Dogs have mastered the art of just "being":  Watching TV.  Having coffee.  Watering the yard.  Working at the computer.  On the telephone.  Fluffy was never far from me, but she was never intrusive (humans, take a lesson!).  She was content to just be with me, without smothering me (yes, I know how that sounds!).  When she wanted my attention or some interaction, she knew how to get it:  I was sitting with my legs draped across our leather chair and she wanted me to pick her up, but I wouldn't.  That little charmer took a few steps backward and leaped into my lap!  I was so shocked I LOL!  Well, how could I say "No" after that.  She promptly curled up into my lap and fell asleep.  I think I dozed off, too.

If my dog doesn't like you. . .:  If I had a dog, who would I let dog-sit for me?  I'm so grateful Fluffy's parents (if I'm an aunt, they're parents) trusted me enough to leave her with me and I didn't disappoint them.  It's easy to see how people become so attached to their dog.  Dogs know if you're trustworthy and loving (maybe even lovable), so if I had a dog and if my dog didn't like you, well. . .I'll just leave it at that.

By the time my friends returned, Fluffy and I were ready.  We'd enjoyed each other's company, but were both ready for things to return to "normal". I gotta say, though, my "normal" is a little bit different, now.

Lord, Give Me the Strength. . .

When I taught Sunday School (don't laugh!), there was a young lady in my class that seemed to try everyone's patience, including my own.  Several of my students complained to me about her behavior and about not liking her.  (In retrospect, she may have had some undisclosed mental/behavioral issues.)

I acknowledged they had every right to feel the way the did.  But, I also presented them with a question:  What if she is a test of your faith?

I suggested  we all consider how we interact with her as a real-world situation where we got to put our beliefs into practical use.  As Christians, we are cautioned to exercise patience, act humbly and compassionately, and to behave lovingly toward one another.  So, I understood how their "feelings" were in direct conflict with their "faith".

Twenty years later, I find myself in a similar situation.  A colleague with whom I routinely interact is, consistently, overbearing, insensitive, and dismissive.  And, not just to me.  To compound matters, they seem completely self-unaware of how they're perceived.  Which raises another question in my mind,  How can any reasonably intelligent person be so unaware of how others perceive them?

Funny thing is, while these characteristics make dealing with them a challenge, I genuinely like this person.  When they're not being overbearing, insensitive, and dismissive, they're smart, enthusiastic, and industrious.  But, it's hard to get by the other stuff and see these admirable traits.  Honestly, I didn't even recognize them, at first, because I was so blinded by the "bad" stuff.

Nonetheless, recent events have made overlooking the other stuff quite challenging.  As difficult as it may be, I'm going to take my own advice -- hey, it was good advice then and still is, now. 

Furthermore, Proverbs 12:16 says, "A fool shows his annoyance at once, but a prudent man overlooks an insult.” Instead of being annoyed, I will pray for the Spirit’s power to change my own heart and mind  toward this person and give me the strenght to see them as needing the same love, grace and mercy that God has extended toward us. 

And also because my parents didn't raise no fool!

We Were on a Break!

I cannot believe it's been 4 months since I posted to my blog.  Don't think for one second it's been because I haven't had anything to say -- I always have something to say!  The best way to explain my absence is that I've been too busy living Life to write about it.

One major event since my last post was my Sweetie had a milestone birthday and we celebrated with a trip to Chicago, where we had a FAN-TAB-U-LOUS time!  Here we are in front of the reflective art piece, Cloud Gate, in Millennium Park. 

   Moving forward, let's see if I can't do a better job of living my Life and writing about it.

Marriage Is No Place for Sissies!

In all fairness, the actual quote, attributed to Bette Davis, is, "Old age is no place for sissies".  But, the same applies to marriage.  Marriage isn't for the immature, uncompromising, or overly sensitive, either. 

My Sweetie and I are celebrating another anniversary, which always puts me in a reflective mood.  Lately, I've been thinking about what I've learned over the past several years of marriage. 

We both work hard at have a marriage that is fulfilling and successful.  But, since this is PlanetSandra, my point of view will prevail.  But, I think my Sweetie would agree with me. 

I cannot take all the credit for these revelations.  They're the result of observation and conversation.  I love to ask happily married couples what's their secret.  Not so surprisingly, there have been a few recurring themes -- communication, respect, God/faith, common interests, making each other a priority. 

Men and women do not speak the same language!  Married people need to be bi-lingual -- men need to speak Womanese and women need to speak Manglish.  These are not just verbal languages, they encompass all areas of communication -- body language, inflection, tone, etc.  Learn to communicate with your partner in a meaningful way. 

Do you, Boo!  Do what works for your marriage, regardless of what anyone else says.  Sure, you can learn from others, but find your own rhythm and do what works for the two of you. 

Give your spouse of the gift of getting along with your in-laws.  Unless they're clinically insane, find something about your in-laws you can like.  Don't force your spouse to choose between you and their family.  The flipside of this lesson is:  Take up for your spouse.  If there is a problem with the in-laws, advocate for your spouse.  Don't let them be bullied by your family.  (I need to add this is not a problem in our family.  My in-laws are wonderful)
 
Sometimes, let your sweetie win.  No one likes to be on the losing end of an argument, all the time.  Let the other person have their way and keep a good attitude about it.

Be a rhinocerous!  What I mean to say is, don't be thin-skinned.  If there are two ways to take something your spouse has said, and one way is kind, loving, nurturing, and supportive -- take it that way.

I could probably go on, but these are things I really try to incorporate into my daily life.  Rev. Diane, if you read this -- you do good work!

I Would Remember That!

What I do remember is standing at the kitchen sink when Jordan said it.  It was February 28.  We were discussing the dedication of their baby.  The exchange went something like this --

Him:  We didn't tell you, you guys were the godparents?

Me (eyebrows furrowed):  No.

Him:  I'm sure we mentioned it when he was born.
Me (excited, but looking puzzled):  No.  I would have remembered that!

Him:  Of course we want you guys to be his godparents.
Me (trying not to cry): We would love to be his godparents. 

I was so overcome with emotion, I was speechless.  We're Noah's godparents. 

Me (yelling into the next room):  Tim!  We're Noah's godparents!

On the outside, I'm sure I was smiling.  Inside my head, I'm practicing.

Our godson is visiting for the weekend.

We'd love to come to your thing, but we can't.  We're attending our godson's thing.

Oh, him?  He's our godson.

Would you mind if our godson joined us?

In retrospect, it makes perfectly good sense they would ask us.  No, really.  Besides his parents, I'm pretty certain we have more pictures of this kid than anyone else.  He's only about 8 monts old, and we have taken at least a 100 pictures of him.  If they didn't ask us to be godparents, it would just be creepy.  So, they had to ask.